"There's a 50% chance that you will struggle with anxiety & depression again in your lifetime," my doctor told me in January as I uneasily shifted on the doctor's table, the paper lining on the table crunching underneath the weight of my body.
Just what every 21-year-old girl wants to hear, right?
I'm convinced that I have been a worrier since the day I was born. I am not quite sure where it stemmed from, but as I grew older this rooted deep inside me and at some point blossomed into what is described as "anxiety"- and with this usually comes depression, and vice versa.
"Anxiety and depression usually go hand in hand, but you already know that" my doctor said, as we discussed the illness that crept into my life during high school.
Anxiety & depression are hard to explain to someone who has never battled the illness before. It is an internal (and sometimes external) struggle between happiness & angst; joy & sorrow. For me, it comes in waves. Negativity swoops in like a bird on its prey, and lies swarm me like mosquitoes in the summertime. It starts deep down in the depth of my soul and works its way to the outside, suffocating my happiness while attempting to steal my joy.
It. Sucks. But I don't want your pity- that is not my intention. My intention is to be real and honest and spread some light on an issue that is otherwise kept in the dark.
For years I have believed lies that I am not loved, that I am alone, that I am not enough. For years I have blamed my self for the way I was feeling, unable to accurately describe my emotions to others- mostly in fear of the reaction I would receive from my peers. For years I have been left frustrated, discouraged and baffled by the illness that has crept its way back into my life time and time again, relentless in an attempt to suck the life out of my spirit.
Ashamed by the label of the illness and confused about treatment options, I kept quiet about my feelings. But now, I will break my silence & I will become vulnerable in hopes that you would do the same, because I know that I am not alone in this. I am not a doctor, a psychiatrist, or a therapist. I never will be, nor will I ever fully understand this illness and the crippling affect it has on the mind- but I do know this:
Counseling is great. I promise. I want to shout it from the rooftops. Seeking professional help is not something to be ashamed of. You are human, you have emotions. And most of the time, therapists can help. They have ears, too. And sometimes, that is all we need.
I am not alone. You aren't, either. We are amidst a society where mental illness is prevalent but silence still prevails. I know I am not the only twentysomething year old who has struggled and sometimes still struggles with anxiety & depression. I will not let fear of negative reaction stop me from sharing my story, because this illness is real and serious and debilitating.
God is still good. So, so, soooo good. Every day, all the time. I recognize that this illness is a constant spiritual battle- a push and pull between demons and angels, battling to win me over. But I have seen the Lord win time and time again, and I have hope and confidence that he will continue to fight for me.
Blogger Jon Acuff recently said "Statistics are a prison if you let them be"- and I will not settle for the statistics about anxiety & depression; I will not merely accept that this illness is my fate. I will fight for my joy, knowing that with a healthy dose of sunshine, exercise, and of course, Jesus, that I can and I will conquer this.
Just what every 21-year-old girl wants to hear, right?
I'm convinced that I have been a worrier since the day I was born. I am not quite sure where it stemmed from, but as I grew older this rooted deep inside me and at some point blossomed into what is described as "anxiety"- and with this usually comes depression, and vice versa.
"Anxiety and depression usually go hand in hand, but you already know that" my doctor said, as we discussed the illness that crept into my life during high school.
Anxiety & depression are hard to explain to someone who has never battled the illness before. It is an internal (and sometimes external) struggle between happiness & angst; joy & sorrow. For me, it comes in waves. Negativity swoops in like a bird on its prey, and lies swarm me like mosquitoes in the summertime. It starts deep down in the depth of my soul and works its way to the outside, suffocating my happiness while attempting to steal my joy.
It. Sucks. But I don't want your pity- that is not my intention. My intention is to be real and honest and spread some light on an issue that is otherwise kept in the dark.
For years I have believed lies that I am not loved, that I am alone, that I am not enough. For years I have blamed my self for the way I was feeling, unable to accurately describe my emotions to others- mostly in fear of the reaction I would receive from my peers. For years I have been left frustrated, discouraged and baffled by the illness that has crept its way back into my life time and time again, relentless in an attempt to suck the life out of my spirit.
Ashamed by the label of the illness and confused about treatment options, I kept quiet about my feelings. But now, I will break my silence & I will become vulnerable in hopes that you would do the same, because I know that I am not alone in this. I am not a doctor, a psychiatrist, or a therapist. I never will be, nor will I ever fully understand this illness and the crippling affect it has on the mind- but I do know this:
Counseling is great. I promise. I want to shout it from the rooftops. Seeking professional help is not something to be ashamed of. You are human, you have emotions. And most of the time, therapists can help. They have ears, too. And sometimes, that is all we need.
I am not alone. You aren't, either. We are amidst a society where mental illness is prevalent but silence still prevails. I know I am not the only twentysomething year old who has struggled and sometimes still struggles with anxiety & depression. I will not let fear of negative reaction stop me from sharing my story, because this illness is real and serious and debilitating.
God is still good. So, so, soooo good. Every day, all the time. I recognize that this illness is a constant spiritual battle- a push and pull between demons and angels, battling to win me over. But I have seen the Lord win time and time again, and I have hope and confidence that he will continue to fight for me.
Blogger Jon Acuff recently said "Statistics are a prison if you let them be"- and I will not settle for the statistics about anxiety & depression; I will not merely accept that this illness is my fate. I will fight for my joy, knowing that with a healthy dose of sunshine, exercise, and of course, Jesus, that I can and I will conquer this.
I will not be defined by anxiety & depression.
I will not let my bad days taint my great life.
I will not surrender to my circumstances.
I will not let this illness steal my joy.
I will continue to seek counsel for this illness.
I will thrive in this day & the life that the Lord has put in front of me.
I will pray for healing and restoration of my mind and spirit.
I will have hope that I will overcome this fully.
I will not settle for valleys when I am standing beside mountaintops.
