eucharisteo

Thanksgiving is just a few sleeps away, and it is finally my favorite time of the year. It is deep into autumn and just chilly enough here in the South to put on my warm boots and pretty scarves. 52 weeks in a year- but this one is my favorite. I love this week- the last week of November- because two seasons are colliding in one glorious week. The leaves are crunchy and the air is refreshing, but Fall is fading fast into the busy Christmas season. String lights are being hung on the light posts downtown, our stockings are dangling off the mantle in our apartment, and I just brought Christmas-y candles home from the store. There is something special about these two seasons when they collide- and it makes this week feel like the calm before the storm. (this storm is unfortunately the craziness that  precedes December 25).

As Thanksgiving is almost here, I have been thinking about what I am thankful for and what it truly means to be thankful. This summer I read one of Ann Voskamp's books, One Thousand Gifts, where she describes what life can be like when we embrace daily thanks-giving, or eucharisteo. The Greek word eucharisteo is another word that means giving thanks, and one that she used frequently in her book to describe a full, thanks-giving life. I started to learn more about eucharisteo through her book and I realized how there was room in my life for a lot more eucharisteo.

There was plenty of room for it.

Because I want to live my life without complaints pouring from my mouth. I want to be thankful for the little things, thankful for the big things and everything in between. I want to be thankful for bad days, good days, days without sunshine and days with tears. I'll be the first to admit that complaining is easy. But I don't want complaints any longer. I want to fully embrace thanksgiving, not just this week, not just on Thursday, but every day.This weekend I had the opportunity to reflect more about eucharisteo and what it has looked like in my life since this summer. I am a work in progress. I always will be, because there will always be more room for eucharisteo in my life. But I have grown to see that eucharisteo leads to a full life. 

I want my thanks to Him to overflow from my heart first and my mouth second.
I want to be full of thanks, all the time.
I want eucharisteo, all the time.

I am thankful for weekends where commitment doesn't exist, but my sweatpants and my couch do.
I am thankful for good friends who see me at my worst but love me anyway.
I am thankful for crunchy leaves, long walks and pancakes.
I am thankful for a Lord who is abundantly good, all the time.

-Ellie 

"The real problem of life is never a lack of time. The real problem of life - in my life - is lack of thanksgiving. Thanksgiving creates abundance; and he miracle of multiplying happens when I give thanks - ...it's giving thanks to God for this moment that multiplies the moments, time made enough. I am thank-full. I am time-full." -ann voskamp, one thousand gifts

freedom

It has been a hard semester. There. I said it- Finally.

Earlier in the semester, I was finding myself simply going through the motions of life, and honestly- it was awful. I felt drained emotionally and there was a time when I prayed for tears because they just wouldn't come. I couldn't even write, because there just weren't any words. There were days I felt like a robot, days without intentional conversations and days that lacked joyful occasions. I was angry, confused, doubtful, sad and bitter. I felt numb, and I hated it. Hate is a strong word, but I really hated it. I didn't feel like myself, and I did not feel okay.

The words above are hard for me to write about and even harder for me to utter out loud. Nobody likes to admit that they are not okay. There are times where bad days turn into bad weeks which can turn into bad seasons of life; and I've been learning recently that  it is okay to admit that you are not okay. 
You see, I think "okay" is relative. It looks and feels a little different to everyone. But I think that it is easy to not feel okay (unfortunately), and even easier to mask those feelings. Life is messy. But this is not a pity party-I promise this is not an excuse to mope and complain. It is raw and true and how I've felt- any maybe, how you have been feeling, too.

The good news is that I do promise there is freedom in admitting to not being okay. I really dislike owning up to fact that I am not okay- that things are not going well in my life and within my soul  because I don't want to seem negative. I don't want to complain or dump my problems on my friends.

But I have found that there is FREEDOM in being honest- with myself, with the people I surround myself with- and most importantly with Jesus. We are called to carry each others burdens and set our burdens down at the feet of Jesus, and I am guilty of neglecting this. I have just recently started opening up to my friends about how I have been feeling and there is freedom in tough conversations that examine our feelings and emotions. I have started journaling again and fervently praying for restoration of my emotions- and there is freedom in bringing these pleas to Jesus.

The the past few weeks I have been actively rising above this funk- and I know that there will be more "not okays" in my lifetime, but I fully trust and believe that there is freedom in this, and that hopefully "great" and "more than okay" will follow the "not okays." Struggles and sufferings are going to make appearances in our lives. But joy and celebration will conquer these feelings every single time, because there is freedom in Christ.

So this is my declaration of freedom-
That I will pray to be more authentic; more honest and more raw.
That I will pray more and complain less.
That I will admit when I am not okay, be grateful when I am, and rejoice in the freedom that I find in Christ either way.

It might be a bad day or a bad week, but it is not a bad life!

 I'll rejoice in that.

the biggest lie

Some mornings, I wake up at 7:00, make two cups of coffee, and stroll to work/class as I savor the aroma of the most decadent liquid on earth- and suddenly I feel like I have my whole life together. I could conquer the world with 16 ounces of caffeinated liquid flowing through my body.

Some days I even put on clothes that aren't wrinkled.
Some days I brush my hair twice.
Some days I even sit on my porch and enjoy the crisp (...usually hot) Milledgeville air.

But most days, I don't.

Most days, I roll out of bed 12 minutes before class starts, I still manage to make coffee, but there is no savoring the source of my energy, because I just don't have time.
I don't have time to iron my clothes and I don't have time to sit on my front porch and read.
It seems like I really don't have time for anything these days. 

...or is that just the biggest lie I tell myself?
I know it is.

Those four words make up the most common phrase I use. Admittedly that phrase becomes a common theme in my life.

Its so easy to compare yourself to the people around you. Multiple times a day I look at the people around me and think "How do they have time for all of those activities?!" And then reality slaps me in the face and reminds me that every person on the planet has the same amount of time in a day. How you spend your time is whats really important.

Recently I have been learning how spend and manage my time more efficiently- and it isn't easy. This society we dwell in forces us to feel the need to be busy all the time. We live in a fast paced world and I often get caught up in the hustle & bustle of life. I feel overwhelmed by my time commitments- school, work, ministry, friends- the list goes on. And I know that I can't create time- but lately, I've been learning to make time. Making time for friends, making time for Jesus, making time for ministry. Spending my time more intentionally and less selfishly.

The truth is, I do have time for a lot of things. 168 hours fill my week, buy why do I allow myself to be suffocated by the phrase "I don't have time."  As much as I  wish I could add more hours to my days, weeks and months, I can't. I have a decision to make every morning when I wake up- a decision about how I will spend my day.

How I spend my time is a conscious decision- when will I stop letting my lack of time be an excuse?

More Time- NEEDTOBREATHE

Found

As a high school girl who struggled to feel adequate in the eyes of others, I filled emptiness with alcohol and loneliness with affection from boys. I was always a "good girl"-never partied too hard and got decent grades, but I still struggled with the desires of this word. I felt like I was always searching for something deeper than the surface level friendships and relationships that were forming throughout my high school years. I was introduced to the ministry of Young Life my freshman year of high school, and the first YL meeting (or "club" as we call it) I ever attended was my first week of school. I was the new kid at the local public high school and my older sister suggested (forced) me to attend club. I hesitantly went, not knowing the impact it would have on the next 7+ years of my life.

If you are not familiar with Young Life, let me attempt to explain it to you with a little help from the YL website. To put it in simple terms, Young Life's vision and mission is to introduce adolescents to Jesus Christ and help them grow in their faith- but what Christ showed me through my leaders was immeasurably more than this. To me, YL club was about a lot more than the silly games and loud singing on Monday nights. It was more about the relationships I had formed with my Young Life leaders. Whether I knew it or not, my leaders were always walking next to me, one hand in mine and the other in Christ's. I saw my leaders everywhere. (literally everywhere). They met me where I was. They showed up at lunch and sat next to me in the cafeteria. They were there at the football games on Friday nights, and in the stands during my swim meets cheering me on. Besides my family, they were my biggest fans, and I believe they still are.

I could sit here and tell you that I ultimately found Christ while sitting on a rock next to the creek at Windy Gap on the second-to-last night of camp, while staring at the stars- but that would be a lie. Though that is when I technically proclaimed my love for Jesus, it became evident that I had seen Him in more places than just in those stars. I found Christ in my Young Life leader and now best friend Allison who unceasingly pursued me during my darkest days in high school, teaching me that God is a fun God (but not a soft God. Am I right, Allison?!) I found Christ in Ken and Janet Webb, who opened up their back porch to high school kids every Sunday night, teaching about God's grace and immeasurable love that He has for us. I found Him in my sister Caitlin, who never gave up pursuing me even when she was leading her own group of high school girls as a YL leader in college. I found Him on weekend trips to Sharptop Cove where my heart was softened to the idea of vulnerability during cabin time with my peers and leaders. And yes- I found Him there next to the creek at Windy Gap, as I tearfully surrendered my burdens to Christ because I just didn't want to walk through this life alone any longer.

More recently, I've found Him in the heart of the Rockies last summer at Frontier Ranch- a YL camp where I got to experience what walking with Christ every single day looked like. I found Christ again after my freshman year of college when He met me right where I was- when I let Him take my future and stepped back as He changed my direction.

As I begin my second year as a YL leader, I continue to find Christ through the ministry of Young Life. I find him in the seven people I am grateful to be on a team with, and I especially see Him in the 40+ people who make up our Young Life community in my area. I see Him in our area director Phil and our committee members who have been so good to us this past month. Two years later, I still find Him in my high school YL leaders as I run to them for advice and wisdom on leading high schoolers.

I love the ministry of Young Life because of the incredible role that it has played in the past seven years of my life. Without this ministry and the people who apart of it, I could not tell you where I would be with my faith, with my relationships, or with my life. I love what role this ministry plays in my life today, too, as I get to hang out with high school girls who are a whole lot cooler than I am.

But honesty, I love Jesus more than I love Young Life.  And I think that I am okay with that. Because Jesus paid it all. Jesus took my burdens, my anxiety and my emptiness. Because Jesus worked through my Young Life leaders and he is working through me as a Young Life leader right now. Because without Jesus, this ministry wouldn't even exist. Because if we don't love Jesus first, how can we love others well?
I keep finding Christ in Young Life, and as long as this ministry is alive, I know I will continue to see him in every aspect of this wonderful mission. I know Jesus rejoices in this ministry- and my hope is that we are humbly honoring Him well here on earth through Young Life.
The past 7 years YL has played a huge role in my life. I wouldn't change it for anything.
But this does not mean I find my identity in Young Life- because our identity is not found within a label, a ministry, a mission or a title- It is only found in Christ alone.

And for that, I am eternally grateful.

One Body

The past two weeks have been a whirlwind of emotion for me and the people that I am surrounded with. Shock, sadness, heartache and confusion are just a few of the many emotions that engulfed our hearts as we learned of the sad news of the passing of our friend, Julia. Though we still ache to have conversations and spend time with her, we have found peace in the fact that she is in heaven with her Jesus. This has been a challenging two weeks for all of us, and I speak for most of my friends when I say that without the love and support of each other we probably would've had a much harder time than we've had. There's a word for this love and support that we find within the people around us- and that word is community. Community is a basic concept yet it means something a little different to everyone. My favorite definition of community is simply put: a unified body of individuals. 

As the reality of this tragedy that we experienced set in hard- one thing became very apparent. We really are created for community. Scripture proves that in one of my favorite verses in the bible. Hebrews 10:24-25 sums up the concept of community beautifully- "And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching." I love the way The Message (a contemporary translation of the Bible) interprets the same verse as above by saying- "Let’s see how inventive we can be in encouraging love and helping out, not avoiding worshiping together as some do but spurring each other on, especially as we see the big Day approaching." How cool is that? Jesus wants us to have friends. He wants us to do life with the people around us. He wants us to encourage one another, meet together, worship together, laugh together and even cry together. Because lets be honest- doing those things alone just isn't that much fun.

This is what my community looks like! 

The community I have found in Milledgeville this past year has been unreal. I have found a group of people who love Jesus and each other, which is the perfect combination for intentional friendships and the community that we were created for. This year I have felt loved, appreciated and encouraged by people that I am proud to call my community. The past two weeks I watched in awe as my Young Life community of forty or so college kids (and countless people not involved in YL) stepped up in prayer and support to lift up Julia and her family. I heard the word "community" thrown around many times throughout the past two weeks, but I got a real picture of it last Monday night; as my friends were continuing to trickle back into Milledgeville to be together after we heard Julia had passed. We gathered at our fearless area director Phil's house for a meal provided by our wonderful YL committee members, who filled our stomachs with barbecue and the best strawberries I've ever tasted. But it was about much more than the food that night- as my eyes scanned the room, I couldn't help but smile as I saw pockets of joy shine through the darkness that hung over the room. I heard laughter as I watched people engage in conversations that revolved around Julia's life. I saw smiles overcome the exhaustion that many of us had been battling for many days. Isn't it great how light always shines through in the darkness? 

As the night went on I continued to watch the people around me and I began to feel more at peace with what we were all going through- because the bottom line was that none of us were going through it alone. Because we are a a unified body of individuals, one body in Christ,  a community, and that means that we hurt for each other and we rejoice for each other. It means that we spur each other on and hold each other accountable. It means that we do life together, every single day. There is just something truly special about this kind of community, and I love every minute of it. 

We have Jesus and we have each other- I'll rejoice in that!

Julia

As I sit at my computer writing this post, streams of tears trickle off my chin and my heart is heavy with sadness. Julia Tarter, a friend, fellow Young Life leader and Student Ambassador was called home to the Lord on Saturday- just six days after an accident involving her car. The three characteristics I used above only described Julia, they did not define her- and anyone who knew Julia would agree- only Jesus defined her.

I vividly remember meeting Julia about a year ago, the day before classes started. I was hanging out with my friend Erin and she said "Lets go see my roommate from last year, Julia." So in typical Milledgeville fashion we walked over to the White House, where six of our friends live. I remember sitting on the floor of Julia's perfectly Pinterest-ed room eating a grape slushie from Dairy Queen. As she danced around the room telling Erin about the exciting summer she had experienced at WinShape Camps as a counselor, joy poured out of her words and her smile. That was my first impression of Julia, and one that I will never forget.

Khloe & Kim, Halloween 2012

Even though I only had the privilege of knowing Julia for just one year, she quickly became a close friend of mine. We shared a love of coffee and talking fast. We bonded over our cute-yet-douchey environmental science professor, studying together the night before tests which really turned into us talking about things that were not at all school related. One particular night we sat on the floor of her room for a few hours talking about life, Christ, and of course, girly stuff. That night I got a true look inside Julia's heart and found only one thing- Jesus. Her love for Christ was evident in every single thing she did. Even on Halloween, when we had the brilliant idea to dress up as the Kardashians. She almost backed out at the last minute- because she was scared she was going to send the wrong message to people by dressing up as a trashy reality TV "celebrity." Well, Julia, I think you made a great Kim K.


She embodied 1 John 3:18 (Let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth) in her everyday life, whether it be showing the gospel to her Baldwin girls or loving on her Phi Mu's, or being a light to our Student Ambassador Team. She put her heart and soul into everything that she was involved with, and that is what made Julia so special. You see, everyone that met Julia loved her deeply. That is probably why the news of her accident spread like fire. Immediately people began rallying around Julia with prayers. In six days, I witnessed people come together at the feet of Jesus like I had never seen before. I saw a closer community form within our friends, and I saw weeping friends begging for miracles. We knew that this would be a win-win situation- either Julia would be restored on this earth and she would continue to eat Nutella and jam to T-Swift with all of us; or she would be fully restored in heaven. Our prayers were that she would be fully healed, and on Saturday morning, she was. She is now home. Not home in 221, that was her temporary home. She's in her eternal home, and I really hope that there is burlap and light blue paint in heaven.


I cry because there are so many things I wish I could say to her right now. I cry for her family, and her sisters who lost their baby girl. I cry for the Baldwin High School girls who lost a beloved leader. I cry for her friends, who can no longer share a cup of coffee with her. I cry for our Young Life area, because we have lost a light in our community and a beautiful voice in our Sunday night leadership worship time. I cry because I already miss her stank face and 221 pride. I cry as I struggle to write about Julia in the past tense.

But, I also I smile. I smile because Julia is teaching Jesus her dance moves in heaven right now! I smile when I think about the hundreds of lives she has touched during her 20 years on earth, including mine. I smile, because this tragedy has pointed so many people towards Christ, and Julia would love knowing that. I smile because Julia's joy is still present on this earth. I smile because I saw the face of Jesus Christ in Julia every single day. And now, she gets to look at Jesus Christ every single day, face to face, for ETERNITY!

I smile when I think about Jesus meeting Julia at the gates of eternity with a hug and a cup of coffee, saying "Well done, my good and faithful servant."

Julia, if you're reading this in heaven (do they have iPhones up there? I sure hope so.) Sorry for sleeping in your bed last week and not washing the sheets.
Also, Julia- because you touched my life, I will never be the same. Thank you for that.
Love you, sweet Julia girl. 

#summerinmilly

Things I've learned during my #summerinmilly:

1. Summer classes stink. Seriously, who even thought that summer classes would be a good idea? Did they hate the world? Why did I think summer class would be a good idea? The only good thing that came out of this summer online statistics course is that I spent a lot of time (money) at Starbucks studying and listening to lots of Green River Ordinance. Also, I am done with math forever. Victory!

2. I love home. Being in Milledgeville this summer has made me realize how much I love being home, too. The weekends I spent at home this summer included time with my incredible sister before she moved to Ohio. I spent a lot of time hanging out with my mom, and a lot of time watching golf with my dad. I just really love him. I have been incredibly blessed with a father who loves me like he does. I have realized this summer that I am like him in so many ways. We share the same love for ice cream and adventure. He has been a constant encouragement throughout this summer.

3. I really love Milledgeville. I loved it before too, but anyone who has stayed here in the summer knows what I'm talking about. I love $2 Tuesdays at Asian Bistro, a lot of down time to watch movies, and the Mocals. I love the afternoon rainstorms and mini adventures that include friends and sunflowers. Milledgeville has the best sunsets in the world. Seriously. Summer in Milledgeville has helped me appreciate the little things in life, like afternoon slushies and walks through campus. This place has become home to me. There is something special about this town!

4. I love driving. I think I have put more miles on my car this summer than all the years I've had my car combined. But it's been worth it. Driving somewhere means hopefully going to spend time with people that I love. I particularly loved my Monday morning commute from ATL back to Milledgeville. 441 is really foggy around 7:00 AM, which makes for the best sunrises. Driving also means jamming out to Ben Rector at the top of my lungs. I have yet to shatter a window.

5. I don't think my future career plans include working in an office. I don't think I am cut out for sitting at a computer for the rest of my life. I am thankful that this summer has taught me what I don't want to do with my life. There is not too much more to say about that. I'm not sure how my coworkers felt about me making snowflakes out of paper, either. Or little people out of paper clips.

6. Being alone is okay. I have always enjoyed alone time, but I became anxious at the beginning of summer about having too much alone time. I love my friends- and sometimes suffer from FOMO (fear of missing out) when I am not with them.Yes, I missed not being with all my friends this summer. But alone time was honestly the biggest gift this summer. I learned (yes, learned) how to truly relax without worrying about what everyone else is doing. I learned how to be still, content and calm with my present season of life.

7. People are kind. Like the man who filled up my gas tank on my way out of town at the Shell on N Columbia. And the police officer who didn't cite me when I rear ended a girl named Brittany. Thanks guys! You are both too kind.

8. I see Jesus here, too. I see him in the people I work with, in the few friends that were here in Milledgeville with me, and in the sunsets. I see him in the people I lead orientation with. It was hard for me to grasp that I wouldn't be serving at a camp this summer, that I wouldn't be seeing Jesus in the faces of those campers and staff. But guess what? He is everywhere in the summer, not just at camps. How cool!

Well, two root canals, one summer class, 10 forty hour workweeks, one car accident, a week in Ohio, a new apartment and 4 orientations later....summer is almost over. I survived #summerinmilly, and I am thankful for that.

Friends, come back to Milledgeville. I have missed you!

what I love about sunday

I'm convinced that heaven is a lot like Sunday. And, I hope it is. Because Sundays are for worship & coffee. Sundays are for naps. Sundays are for quality time with family & friends. Sundays are for walks with Scout & barbecue on the back porch. Sundays are for watching golf with dad & making brownies with mom. Sundays are for lake days & hammocks.

If you can't tell- Sunday is my favorite day of the week. I could list hundreds of things that I love about Sunday. Most of my Sundays look something like this- 

The [Sabbath]: is observed among Christians on Sunday, as a day of rest and worship. Oh, how thankful I am for the Sabbath. Genesis 2:2-3 explains the Sabbath- "By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work. Then God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done."

I am a firm believer that the Sabbath should not just be observed, but celebrated. We should rejoice in the fact that we get an entire day devoted to rest. We should take full advantage of this gift that has been given to us. God deemed this day as holy- it is divine, righteous and good; and for that, I will thank Him.

How grateful I am to have a day to recharge; a day to recover from the past week and a day to prepare for the next. I live for lazy Sundays that include quality time with family & friends. 

How grateful I am for today, Sunday, a day that was well spent eating lunch with a good friend, wandering around a bookstore, and watching a movie with my parents. 

That's what I love about Sunday. 

money ain't everything, honey

I don't know why that I want that post title to be read in a southern accent, but I do. And if you know me, you would know that I don't have anything close to a southern accent. And if you know me really well, you would know that I am a worrier. Ever since I can remember, I have worried about everything and anything. I vividly remember being on the playground in first grade and being called a "worrywart." I cried about it to my mom after school. I question why I was upset about being called that name, but I also question why I was called that name to begin with. What does a first grader have to worry about, anyway? 

Growing up (I say "growing up" like I am an old lady-I still think I have some growing up to do, but anyways...) I worried about everything. I worried about my house catching on fire, terrorist attacks, plane crashes, etc, and I really worried about thunderstorms. So yes, apparently I am a worrier. And according to the first grade friend (or foe?) whose name I will protect- I am a worrywart: a person who tends to dwell on difficulty or troubles. 

As I got older, my unrealistic worries turned into realistic anxieties; and realistic anxieties turned into anxiety. (more on that later). I could list off a hundred things that could lead me to worry-ridden angst, but #1 on the list would definitely be money. The word makes me cringe, and yes-sometimes cry. Though my family was hit hard by the economy crash (explosion? atomic bomb?) in 2009, we have never gone without necessities. I have been #blessed with a sturdy roof over my head, food on the table and family/dogs by my side. I know that my family has been more than fortunate, even when my dad was out of work for a while. But the height of this money-triggered anxiety was freshman year of college while I was at the University of Dayton. I was constantly worrying about the out-of-pocket expenses and student loans due to the private university's tuition. It started consuming my thoughts and by the end of the year it was tainting my freshman year experience. The decision was made to transfer to an in-state college to ease the financial burden on my family and my future of paying off loans. 

Which leads me to this- strong work ethic has always been encouraged and exhibited in my family, and my dad is a great example of a hard working man- just as my mom is an example of a hard working woman. And honestly, my decision to stay and work in Milledgeville this summer was mostly fueled by money as well. Having a full time job (working in the Financial Aid office...oh the irony) gives me security for the future. It relieves my money related stresses- temporarily. But does money really leave me satisfied? Does it really give me the safety and security that I am looking for? No, only Jesus does. I've had a lot of time to think this summer and it has lead me to realize (drumroll pleeeaassseeeee)- MONEY ISN'T EVERYTHING. It's only taken 20.5 years of existence to realize this, but hey, better late than never! 

In my plenty of spare time I have been exploring what scripture has to say about money/finances. Matthew 6:24 says "No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money." Yes! I cannot and will not serve money. I am not here on earth to do that. But I am here to serve God and only him. Studying what scripture says about money also is a magnificent reminder of how God provides. I truly do not have to be anxious about the "m" word, because I have been provided for my entire life-how is this present season of life any different? I think God is teaching me great things by keeping me grounded in Milledgeville- he is teaching me how to use my money to glorify Him and not use it for selfish purposes. I am learning more about myself every single day, and He is freeing me of the anxiety that comes along with the burden of money. 

Now, does this mean I am going to quit my job tomorrow and live off the land? No! I am realistic in the fact that if I want to continue my education, live with my friends in my cute apartment (#Carol), and eat at Hibachi Express, then I am most definitely keeping my job. Does this mean I am freed from the slavery of my bi-weekly paycheck? Heck yes.

Money isn't everything. Besides, sometimes you save up the majority of your summer's earnings so far and then you rear end the car in front of you- and end up spending that hard-earned money on a bumper for a 2013 Honda Accord. 
Hypothetical situation? You decide. 

queen of nostalgia

Sometimes I think that I am the queen of nostalgia. If I wrote a song, that would be the title. Lucky for you,  I haven't cut a record deal...yet. But seriously, I love memories. And I feel homesick for places that I have and haven't visited. My heart aches for past experiences and I long for new adventures. The dictionary defines this feeling as [nostalgia]: wistful or excessively sentimental yearning for return to or of some past period or irrecoverable condition. Though I admit to yearning for the goodness of past experiences, I don't think that I am necessarily living in the past; but mostly appreciating the good times and awesome things I have experienced in my 20.5 years of life.

One of my favorite things to do is look through old letters, journals, pictures and other tangible memories that I keep in a rectangle box under my bed. I resist the urge to look through this box often, so I usually just add to it as time goes on- slipping in any notes or objects that might spark a future smile during a gloomy season of life. 

I only look through this box a few times a year. The rest of the time it is safely tucked between a printer I don't use, and some winter clothes in a bin. And yes, if my apartment was burning down and I could only grab one thing, it would be this box. (my laptop would be next, then probably my Chacos). Today was one of those rare days where I pulled out the dusty box.

 As I sift through the pile of envelopes and pictures scattered across my bed, a smile creeps across my face. I smile because I have letters from the most precious people in my life, and these notes never cease to remind me how deeply loved I am. I smile in a giddy way about the 4x6 sheets of Kodak paper that mix in with the letters; like the one that captured my family photoshoot circa1995 (where my entire family is in jean outfits, thanks mom); and the one that froze the image from edge of the pool deck at Frontier Ranch- my favorite view on this planet. I smile because the thick, worn journals remind me of struggles, joyful times and answered prayers.

Today I opened my first journal from one year ago, June 2012. Though I wish I had started journaling lonnnng before this, I am thankful that I have this year recorded on paper. And what a year it was! As I flip the pages between my fingers, I am amazed. Not at my own writing, doodles, or rambling, but mostly because of the growth I have seen in myself within those lined pages.

I flipped to the entry on June 26, 2012, one whole year ago. I was sitting on the bench of a picnic table outside the snack bar at Frontier Ranch one chilly morning before breakfast. I was experiencing the best month of my life while facing the reality of what would turn out to be one of the most trying seasons of my life- transferring schools. I was studying 1 Peter that day, specifically 1 Peter 1:14-15 "As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: "Be holy, because I am holy." That day I prayed hard for strength for the upcoming year. I prayed for obedience and a non-conforming mind and body. Thank God for answered prayers!

I am grateful to have this past year on paper. If you don't journal, I would encourage you to try it. There doesn't have to be any structure to it at all; just write. Write about your day, write about your dog, write down your prayers. You won't be mad in one year when you pick up your first journal and you see on paper how much you have grown. So go buy yourself a cute journal from barnes & noble and find a porch to sit on... and write.

called to be present.

this season of life has proved to be an interesting one. i love summertime more than most things in life, and all year long i had anticipated a fun summer. as spring semester rolled around i began applying to camps & internships. doors for adventurous opportunities kept closing, and doors for not-so-adventurous things were swinging wide open. april/may rolled around quickly and i found myself agreeing to stay in milledgeville to work in a university office & lead orientations. (don't get me wrong, i am thankful to have a job & one that i prayed about for so long). but summer in milledgeville is definitely not the most adventurous thing that i could be doing. 

it has been very easy to compare this summer to past summers. compare it to the summers i spent at camp high harbour or last summer that i spent in colorado. compare it to other people's summers. i have heard a hundred times "comparison is the thief of joy," but i do not think i had fully grasped that concept until the past month. some days i find myself scrolling down my facebook newsfeed with an envious attitude and a bitter heart towards people that are doing more exciting things than sitting in an office.

and if i could describe my life in one word lately, i would pick "boring". if we are being honest, i never thought that i could be this bored. i kept telling myself that being bored is okay, that being bored meant that i am relaxed...until i looked up the definition of boredom in the dictionary. boredom (n): the state of being weary and restless through lack of interest. weary and restless. these words hit me like a truck. i am not called to be weary. i am not certainly not called to be restless.  

i am not called to be bored. 

but i am called to be present. 

i am called to be here, in milledgeville. i am called to serve the Lord even if  it isn't at a camp. i am called to be where i am because the Lord's plan is so much greater than my own. john 13:7 says "you don't understand now what i am doing, but someday you will." i have been clinging to this hope.

i have been challenged with making this "boring" summer not so boring. this doesn't necessarily mean a wild adventure every day, but it does mean seeking something greater than being weary/restless. this means diving deeper into scripture, exploring new books like ann voskamp's one thousand gifts (more on that later...), praying/writing friends on summerstaff, and yes, watching a few episodes of one tree hill a week (okay, maybe a day). 

i think i have a little bit of a gypsy soul. i can't stay in one place too long. but i think that i am being challenged this summer differently than i have been challenged in the past summers. and for that, i am thankful. i am called to be here, and this is where i will be this summer.

in the present.