money ain't everything, honey

I don't know why that I want that post title to be read in a southern accent, but I do. And if you know me, you would know that I don't have anything close to a southern accent. And if you know me really well, you would know that I am a worrier. Ever since I can remember, I have worried about everything and anything. I vividly remember being on the playground in first grade and being called a "worrywart." I cried about it to my mom after school. I question why I was upset about being called that name, but I also question why I was called that name to begin with. What does a first grader have to worry about, anyway? 

Growing up (I say "growing up" like I am an old lady-I still think I have some growing up to do, but anyways...) I worried about everything. I worried about my house catching on fire, terrorist attacks, plane crashes, etc, and I really worried about thunderstorms. So yes, apparently I am a worrier. And according to the first grade friend (or foe?) whose name I will protect- I am a worrywart: a person who tends to dwell on difficulty or troubles. 

As I got older, my unrealistic worries turned into realistic anxieties; and realistic anxieties turned into anxiety. (more on that later). I could list off a hundred things that could lead me to worry-ridden angst, but #1 on the list would definitely be money. The word makes me cringe, and yes-sometimes cry. Though my family was hit hard by the economy crash (explosion? atomic bomb?) in 2009, we have never gone without necessities. I have been #blessed with a sturdy roof over my head, food on the table and family/dogs by my side. I know that my family has been more than fortunate, even when my dad was out of work for a while. But the height of this money-triggered anxiety was freshman year of college while I was at the University of Dayton. I was constantly worrying about the out-of-pocket expenses and student loans due to the private university's tuition. It started consuming my thoughts and by the end of the year it was tainting my freshman year experience. The decision was made to transfer to an in-state college to ease the financial burden on my family and my future of paying off loans. 

Which leads me to this- strong work ethic has always been encouraged and exhibited in my family, and my dad is a great example of a hard working man- just as my mom is an example of a hard working woman. And honestly, my decision to stay and work in Milledgeville this summer was mostly fueled by money as well. Having a full time job (working in the Financial Aid office...oh the irony) gives me security for the future. It relieves my money related stresses- temporarily. But does money really leave me satisfied? Does it really give me the safety and security that I am looking for? No, only Jesus does. I've had a lot of time to think this summer and it has lead me to realize (drumroll pleeeaassseeeee)- MONEY ISN'T EVERYTHING. It's only taken 20.5 years of existence to realize this, but hey, better late than never! 

In my plenty of spare time I have been exploring what scripture has to say about money/finances. Matthew 6:24 says "No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money." Yes! I cannot and will not serve money. I am not here on earth to do that. But I am here to serve God and only him. Studying what scripture says about money also is a magnificent reminder of how God provides. I truly do not have to be anxious about the "m" word, because I have been provided for my entire life-how is this present season of life any different? I think God is teaching me great things by keeping me grounded in Milledgeville- he is teaching me how to use my money to glorify Him and not use it for selfish purposes. I am learning more about myself every single day, and He is freeing me of the anxiety that comes along with the burden of money. 

Now, does this mean I am going to quit my job tomorrow and live off the land? No! I am realistic in the fact that if I want to continue my education, live with my friends in my cute apartment (#Carol), and eat at Hibachi Express, then I am most definitely keeping my job. Does this mean I am freed from the slavery of my bi-weekly paycheck? Heck yes.

Money isn't everything. Besides, sometimes you save up the majority of your summer's earnings so far and then you rear end the car in front of you- and end up spending that hard-earned money on a bumper for a 2013 Honda Accord. 
Hypothetical situation? You decide. 

queen of nostalgia

Sometimes I think that I am the queen of nostalgia. If I wrote a song, that would be the title. Lucky for you,  I haven't cut a record deal...yet. But seriously, I love memories. And I feel homesick for places that I have and haven't visited. My heart aches for past experiences and I long for new adventures. The dictionary defines this feeling as [nostalgia]: wistful or excessively sentimental yearning for return to or of some past period or irrecoverable condition. Though I admit to yearning for the goodness of past experiences, I don't think that I am necessarily living in the past; but mostly appreciating the good times and awesome things I have experienced in my 20.5 years of life.

One of my favorite things to do is look through old letters, journals, pictures and other tangible memories that I keep in a rectangle box under my bed. I resist the urge to look through this box often, so I usually just add to it as time goes on- slipping in any notes or objects that might spark a future smile during a gloomy season of life. 

I only look through this box a few times a year. The rest of the time it is safely tucked between a printer I don't use, and some winter clothes in a bin. And yes, if my apartment was burning down and I could only grab one thing, it would be this box. (my laptop would be next, then probably my Chacos). Today was one of those rare days where I pulled out the dusty box.

 As I sift through the pile of envelopes and pictures scattered across my bed, a smile creeps across my face. I smile because I have letters from the most precious people in my life, and these notes never cease to remind me how deeply loved I am. I smile in a giddy way about the 4x6 sheets of Kodak paper that mix in with the letters; like the one that captured my family photoshoot circa1995 (where my entire family is in jean outfits, thanks mom); and the one that froze the image from edge of the pool deck at Frontier Ranch- my favorite view on this planet. I smile because the thick, worn journals remind me of struggles, joyful times and answered prayers.

Today I opened my first journal from one year ago, June 2012. Though I wish I had started journaling lonnnng before this, I am thankful that I have this year recorded on paper. And what a year it was! As I flip the pages between my fingers, I am amazed. Not at my own writing, doodles, or rambling, but mostly because of the growth I have seen in myself within those lined pages.

I flipped to the entry on June 26, 2012, one whole year ago. I was sitting on the bench of a picnic table outside the snack bar at Frontier Ranch one chilly morning before breakfast. I was experiencing the best month of my life while facing the reality of what would turn out to be one of the most trying seasons of my life- transferring schools. I was studying 1 Peter that day, specifically 1 Peter 1:14-15 "As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: "Be holy, because I am holy." That day I prayed hard for strength for the upcoming year. I prayed for obedience and a non-conforming mind and body. Thank God for answered prayers!

I am grateful to have this past year on paper. If you don't journal, I would encourage you to try it. There doesn't have to be any structure to it at all; just write. Write about your day, write about your dog, write down your prayers. You won't be mad in one year when you pick up your first journal and you see on paper how much you have grown. So go buy yourself a cute journal from barnes & noble and find a porch to sit on... and write.

called to be present.

this season of life has proved to be an interesting one. i love summertime more than most things in life, and all year long i had anticipated a fun summer. as spring semester rolled around i began applying to camps & internships. doors for adventurous opportunities kept closing, and doors for not-so-adventurous things were swinging wide open. april/may rolled around quickly and i found myself agreeing to stay in milledgeville to work in a university office & lead orientations. (don't get me wrong, i am thankful to have a job & one that i prayed about for so long). but summer in milledgeville is definitely not the most adventurous thing that i could be doing. 

it has been very easy to compare this summer to past summers. compare it to the summers i spent at camp high harbour or last summer that i spent in colorado. compare it to other people's summers. i have heard a hundred times "comparison is the thief of joy," but i do not think i had fully grasped that concept until the past month. some days i find myself scrolling down my facebook newsfeed with an envious attitude and a bitter heart towards people that are doing more exciting things than sitting in an office.

and if i could describe my life in one word lately, i would pick "boring". if we are being honest, i never thought that i could be this bored. i kept telling myself that being bored is okay, that being bored meant that i am relaxed...until i looked up the definition of boredom in the dictionary. boredom (n): the state of being weary and restless through lack of interest. weary and restless. these words hit me like a truck. i am not called to be weary. i am not certainly not called to be restless.  

i am not called to be bored. 

but i am called to be present. 

i am called to be here, in milledgeville. i am called to serve the Lord even if  it isn't at a camp. i am called to be where i am because the Lord's plan is so much greater than my own. john 13:7 says "you don't understand now what i am doing, but someday you will." i have been clinging to this hope.

i have been challenged with making this "boring" summer not so boring. this doesn't necessarily mean a wild adventure every day, but it does mean seeking something greater than being weary/restless. this means diving deeper into scripture, exploring new books like ann voskamp's one thousand gifts (more on that later...), praying/writing friends on summerstaff, and yes, watching a few episodes of one tree hill a week (okay, maybe a day). 

i think i have a little bit of a gypsy soul. i can't stay in one place too long. but i think that i am being challenged this summer differently than i have been challenged in the past summers. and for that, i am thankful. i am called to be here, and this is where i will be this summer.

in the present.