Earlier in the semester, I was finding myself simply going through the motions of life, and honestly- it was awful. I felt drained emotionally and there was a time when I prayed for tears because they just wouldn't come. I couldn't even write, because there just weren't any words. There were days I felt like a robot, days without intentional conversations and days that lacked joyful occasions. I was angry, confused, doubtful, sad and bitter. I felt numb, and I hated it. Hate is a strong word, but I really hated it. I didn't feel like myself, and I did not feel okay.
The words above are hard for me to write about and even harder for me to utter out loud. Nobody likes to admit that they are not okay. There are times where bad days turn into bad weeks which can turn into bad seasons of life; and I've been learning recently that it is okay to admit that you are not okay.
You see, I think "okay" is relative. It looks and feels a little different to everyone. But I think that it is easy to not feel okay (unfortunately), and even easier to mask those feelings. Life is messy. But this is not a pity party-I promise this is not an excuse to mope and complain. It is raw and true and how I've felt- any maybe, how you have been feeling, too.
The good news is that I do promise there is freedom in admitting to not being okay. I really dislike owning up to fact that I am not okay- that things are not going well in my life and within my soul because I don't want to seem negative. I don't want to complain or dump my problems on my friends.
But I have found that there is FREEDOM in being honest- with myself, with the people I surround myself with- and most importantly with Jesus. We are called to carry each others burdens and set our burdens down at the feet of Jesus, and I am guilty of neglecting this. I have just recently started opening up to my friends about how I have been feeling and there is freedom in tough conversations that examine our feelings and emotions. I have started journaling again and fervently praying for restoration of my emotions- and there is freedom in bringing these pleas to Jesus.
The the past few weeks I have been actively rising above this funk- and I know that there will be more "not okays" in my lifetime, but I fully trust and believe that there is freedom in this, and that hopefully "great" and "more than okay" will follow the "not okays." Struggles and sufferings are going to make appearances in our lives. But joy and celebration will conquer these feelings every single time, because there is freedom in Christ.
So this is my declaration of freedom-
That I will pray to be more authentic; more honest and more raw.
That I will pray more and complain less.
That I will admit when I am not okay, be grateful when I am, and rejoice in the freedom that I find in Christ either way.
It might be a bad day or a bad week, but it is not a bad life!
I'll rejoice in that.
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